A Family Business the Murdochs and the Partridges Could Only Dream of
Running a family business is no small feat. It is both an honor and a burden. It can create a lasting dynasty from which future generations will benefit, or it can put the entire family tree into the poorhouse with just a few bad quarters.
On the plus side, hiring is easy because many future employees age into their jobs after working menial—potentially illegal—jobs as kids, laddering up with each passing school year into positions with more responsibility, thus gaining the experience needed to one day lead the business. And because, many employees are family, Human Resources is not an issue—everyone abides by the rules and expectations set forth by Grandma and Grandpa, and Mom and Dad at so many dining room table dinners. The drawback is that you’re working with family, and family can be problematic. Chalk that one up to proximity and a deep understanding of what makes each employee, or kin, tick and panic. Strategy meetings in the conference room can be more like psychological warfare.
I grew up with a family business. For nearly one hundred-fifty years, my forefathers ran a successful retail fur company. And it was just the fathers because daughters were, well, not going to be fathers, and the Himmels embraced that gentle kind of en vogue misogyny of the day. I grew up at the Store, running around the vaults, being fed candy by great-uncles and aunts, and second and third cousins. And on occasional Saturdays, I worked there, sorting coat hangers and constructing cardboard coat and hat boxes. My pay was one penny per box and per properly sorted hanger. When it was time to collect the wages, my grandfather would round up and hand me a dollar. “Save this,” he’d say. But I’d run right out to the dollar store down the block and blow those earnings on cheap toys and more candy.
When my grandfather sold the business in ’92, he forced me to forge my own career path with no family business to fall back on, just the nest egg the business had supplied. But because of what I’d witnessed as a kid, I’ve always appreciated a family business. And now, since my brothers and I no longer fight on a weekly basis like bony Gallagher Brothers, and we’ve moved past our Mommy and Daddy Issues, I’m at a point where I think the Himmels should once again, come together and strike out on our own. The parts and people are already in place.
We’ll call it Himmel Family Planning. “The family built to help you build your family!” We have an expert to help facilitate and elevate every stage of the family lifecycle.
Marriage
When you finally meet that special someone and you’re ready to lock them down, my mother, Jane Himmel is there to help you plan your wedding. A gifted wedding planner with more years under her organizational binder than most marriages last, she’ll help you plan the wedding of your dreams at a budget that won’t break yours or your parents’ bank. She’ll help you find the perfect venue, the perfect florist, band or DJ, hair and makeup, food, décor, tablecloths and chairs, etc. She’s great with pushy MOBs and MOGs and will perfectly herd the drunken wedding party on the day-of, all but ensuring the perfect day of wedded bliss. Her motto says it all: “As perfect as you want it, we want it more perfect.”
I am licensed to officiate weddings and have done so for eight different couples. And only one has split up, so far, But! The bride did get remarried, and I officiated that one, too. I will help you and your partner design the ceremony you desire, meet with both of you together and individually to learn your love journey and craft a story to share during the ceremony, ensuring your guests laugh and cry. I’ll write the script, meet with any vendor or parent/payor you like, and, generally, ensure that the ceremony runs smoothly. I will also take the responsibility of filing your marriage license so when you fall out of love, it’s much harder to break up.
I can also assist with groomsman/best man duties. I have had the honor of being the best man seven times. I know how to organize a bachelor party, how the best man should lead the wedding party, and, most importantly, what is required to write and deliver a killer speech. Here’s a freebie: Don’t mention the groom’s past exploits. Ever. It’s not funny. Ever. So, in addition to officiating your wedding, I can coach your best man so he doesn’t embarrass you, your family, or himself.
Purchasing a home
We used to have an in-house realtor, but I screwed that one up with my divorce. That said, she’s a good realtor and hiring her would be good for you, and also put food in my kids’ mouths. However, we all know plenty of other trustworthy realtors—as trustworthy as a realtor can be, anyway. My father, James Himmel, is an attorney. He has nearly fifty years of general practice experience, which has allowed him to serve as counsel on too-many-to-count real estate transactions. So, when it’s time to buy, Daddy Jim is the guy to help you close the deal.
Kids
As you’re settling into your new life together, I happily offer up the opportunity for you to watch my kids. Make it a weekend thing. I’ll leave town, while you and your partner take on the responsibility of watching both boys. This is a good litmus test to determine if you’re both ready and willing to start a family. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge. And I keep the good, adult snacks (Lucky Charms cereal, bags of Peanut Butter M&Ms) in the cabinet above said fridge. You’re welcome to those as well. I’ll even stash some weed gummies up there for after the kids are in bed.
If you do decide to have kids, my professional magician brother, Steven Himmel, can be bring an element of whoa! to the kids’ birthday parties. While great with kids and capable of entertaining hoards of the little mongrels, this isn’t his preferred specialty. Where he really shines is doing close-up magic for adults. Consider booking him for your wedding or engagement party to add an element of fun, as well as any family gatherings you may host like bar or bat mitzvahs, holiday parties, Oscar viewing parties, and backyard barbecues or block parties.
Finances
Money. It always comes down to money. How’re you going to pay for everything, including the future you’ve yet to realize? Whether you’re making boat loads of dough or scraping to get by, middle brother Eric Himmel and his team at Third Coast Group can be your trusted financial consultant. If Eric had been born in the ’90s, he’d definitely be autistic. The kid loved puzzles, organizing and reorganizing his bedroom and his massive baseball card collection, and has always been good with numbers. Instead, because it was the ’80s, we socialized the autism out of him just by not being so hypersensitive to every little divergent nuance.
Divorce
Ah, shit. You blew it. You married the wrong person. Or they turned into the wrong person. Or you turned into the wrong person. Or, or… look, marriages fail for any number of reasons. Relationships are complicated. Raising a family, maintaining your sense of self while being the supportive, understanding partner your spouse needs is hard. Even when the chemistry between you two is spot on and all the stars are aligned, it’s hard. Humans are finicky beasts. It happens, this divorce thing, and it sucks. But when it does happen, Himmel Family Planning is there for you.
Dad can do your divorce. He’s a good man with a kind heart, but when it comes to his job, he’s a monster. Hell, I fought more with my dad during my divorce than I did with my ex. If you happen to be one of those assholes who wants a Divorce Party, Mom has you covered. Eric will help you sort out your devastated finances. Me? I’m a real good wingman and shoulder to cry on through breakups. I’ve mended my broken heart enough at this point, I should have a PhD in cardiology. And Steven? Steven can make your ex disappear. Oh, it has nothing to do with him being a magician. He knows a guy who does that kind of thing.
