A Family Business the Murdochs and the Partridges Could Only Dream of
Since my brothers and I no longer fight on a weekly basis like bony Gallagher Brothers, and we’ve moved past our Mommy and Daddy Issues, I’m at a point where I think the Himmels should once again, come together and strike out on our own. The parts and people are already in place.
We’ll call it Himmel Family Planning. “The family built to help you build your family!” We have an expert to help facilitate and elevate every stage of the family lifecycle.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of July 14, 2024
One really good way to get angry at all of your exes is to officiate a really beautiful wedding for two people in their forties.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 10, 2023
After seven years of marriage, I can confidently say that I’m fine with the farts.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of July 2, 2023
Good food is like bad relationships: it all eventually turns to shit.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 19, 2023
My wife wants me to be more assertive in bed. So, I’ve started pushing her over while she’s asleep to claim my fair share of the bed.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 5, 2023
Florida is America’s limp penis, and it is in dire need of receiving a botched circumcision.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 23, 2022
In matters of family planning—that is, choosing a mate—keep in mind that the money will come; the love doesn’t always show up. Don’t let money buy your heart.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 28, 2022
Has five years of successful therapy taken away the burning need to write?
Notes from the Post-it Wall | 5 Years Married Edition
Take nothing personal. Your spouse loves you more than most other people in the world. Be comfortable with that. They also hate you more than most people in the world. Be comfortable with that, too.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 14, 2021
Poor white people love people like Trump because they’re two sides of the same coin. They both live completely sheltered lives and both believe the lie of American Exceptionalism. The wealthier side of the coin believes that they were born into that exceptionalism because they deserved it and the poorer side believes that one day, they, too will be exceptional.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 18, 2020
Man’s worst invention was the wife.
Woman’s biggest mistake was thinking changing her husband would end well.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 11, 2020
Most of the drunks I’ve come to know are really fun and funny people. I miss carousing with and observing with their kind. It’s not COVID’s fault—it’s the fault of age, responsibility, and domestication. The silver lining is that my two-year-old son often acts and talks like a drunkard, which quenches my thirst for being among fun lunatics with bad habits.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 9, 2020
Comparing tragedies and grievances often expose your passive racism. Be careful. More importantly, please be aware.
Tangibility of Happiness
He always notices. No one else does. Those buttery eyes, like velvet embraces when they glance upon you. How is it possible for eyes to hold the universe? He can’t be human. He’s a man who moves with wings upon his shoulders, his feet just above the dirty ground, never soiled by the earth. And he always notices you.
...that if being a prostitute is just ‘sex work’ then why is it awkward if your manager at the local Starbucks offers you a raise for a blow job? It’s just work, right? “I’ll have a Chai Latte and a rim job. I’ll keep the tip.”