I Believe… [Patricide, Anyone?]

...that few things scar and clarify the soul more than witnessing the death of your parent. If anything screams “YOU, TOO, WILL DIE” it is that experience. How you die becomes a choice but only once you’ve chosen how you live.

…that every time someone says “Everything happens for a reason,” somewhere in the world a child is born into a war zone just to make sure karma stays unemployed.

…that God quit in the ’80s, took a job as a night manager at a Speedway in Peoria, and now spends His shifts watching security footage of our suffering like it’s pay-per-view.

…that if the American Dream were a person, it’d be found pantsless in a Motel 6 bathtub, covered in Cheeto dust and screaming about tax audits to a rubber duck named “Liberty.”

…that few things in modern life resemble medieval torture than the Dialysis False Hope Complex. At $100,000 per month, one would think you’d get more than the feeble, beaten down, barely enough to move existence.