Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 10, 2021
The life hack to being a better person is to wake up every day determined to prove your spouse wrong.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 3, 2021
Even Hitler had enough sense to stage his violent coup under the guise of night. That’s the one lesson Trump didn’t rip off from the Führer.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | 2021 New Year Resolutions Edition
If a resolution of yours is happens to be about your weight, please consider going easy on yourself. You’re not alone. We all hate our bodies and want someone else’s. For example, I want Gal Gadot’s.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Christmas Movies Edition
The most unrealistic thing about Home Alone is that Fuller, a bedwetter, would have also overslept.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Favorite 2020 Conspiracies Edition
Kamala Harris is only a Black woman so Biden could get the white liberal woman vote.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 6, 2020
The only people who care about Hanukkah are bored Jews and gentiles trying to be nice.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 29, 2020
Watching The Crown, I saw the pretext that read: “The following episode includes scenes of an eating disorder which some viewers may find troubling. Viewer discretion is advised. Information and resources for those struggling with eating disorders are available at www.wannatalkaboutit.com” I thought, Oh, yay! Diana is back in this episode!
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 15, 2020
Stop being so hard on yourself and everyone else. Just be social. Just be cool. Stop expecting so much from everything but have the ambition to make it all better. Then follow through.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Post-Election 2020 Edition
The Republican Party gained more ground locally, and even some nationally. The courts are full of conservative judges who have every opportunity to legislate from the bench. The fight rages on, and progress is still a little behind. We must be more tortoise and less hare. Mitch McConnell not only looks like a tortoise, he’s been playing the slow and stead game for a long time, which is why he’s winning.
Notes from the Post-it Wall |Week of November 1, 2020
I look forward to knowing the indisputable results of the presidential election so that we can enjoy our holiday season debating whether “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is a rape song or not. (It is. That’s how shit got done in President Truman’s America.)
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 25, 2020
I don’t want us to go back to normal. I want us to go forward to better.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 18, 2020
Man’s worst invention was the wife.
Woman’s biggest mistake was thinking changing her husband would end well.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 11, 2020
Most of the drunks I’ve come to know are really fun and funny people. I miss carousing with and observing with their kind. It’s not COVID’s fault—it’s the fault of age, responsibility, and domestication. The silver lining is that my two-year-old son often acts and talks like a drunkard, which quenches my thirst for being among fun lunatics with bad habits.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 4, 2020
Mike Pence is a virgin. I know he has kids—it doesn’t matter. Mike Pence is a virgin.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 27, 2020
An adherence to the Myth of American Exceptionalism is a comfort from hardships and bad day, and that which we cannot control. It is religion. It is a baby blanket. It is our emotional support animal. Its most fervent supporters and believers are our nation’s biggest babies.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 20, 2020
Fall is always in such a rush to get here. Spring refuses to leave. Summer is a fair-weather friend, and winter is a drunken old bastard with an axe to grind.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 13, 2020
The change of the seasons was far more enjoyable when I was younger. It meant a new school year, new clothes, new classes, new girlfriends. Now it means I have to put on more clothes to walk the dog.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 6, 2020
The seasonal change from summer to fall should depress you. It’s the sign that things are about to die. Leaves on the ground are the carcasses of nature’s annual genocide.
Notes form the Post-it Wall | Week of August 30, 2020
If archeologists happened to find the body of Christ—proof he didn’t go to heaven—that would automatically make every Christian either a Jew or a Muslim. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 23, 2020
If the police want us to stop claiming they are untrustworthy petulant children, they need to stop acting like untrustworthy petulant children.
...that, if LiterateApe was suddenly put in charge of CBS, ’60 Minutes’ would features stories of divorce, masturbation, the death of radio, and farts.